Upward Swing + Drag Race

5/8/2017 

10:22 pm 

Today was a whole lot fucking better and gave me a sliver of hope. I woke up early (8 am) and ate a small breakfast of oddly textured oatmeal and then went to DSHS with granny. It was surprisingly quick and surprisingly easy this time, and I'll now be getting almost $200 a month in food stamps WHICH IS FUCKING AMAZING THANK YOU DSHS GODS. Afterwards I went to where I used to see a counselor and got back in with them after going rogue for 6 months (yeesh). While I was there a guy shit his pants and it was sad but memorable and extremely fucking awkward for everyone in the room, mostly because he wouldn't stop yelling about it. While waiting for my appointment we went to Costco and got Polish dogs WHICH FUCKING SLAY. I've given up on being vegetarian but still aim to not eat a lot of meat... I spent most of the time trying to not eat meat, eating meat, and feeling bad about eating said meat. Not for me kween. 

NEW PARAGRAPH! After Costco we checked out the cats at the humane society but there were only 5 and none of them were up for adoption (although there was gorgeous and sweet calico baby that I wanted to take home with me). It was really emotional and I absolutely hated it. I believe I'm getting another black cat from a friend, but she's super tiny and young currently so it will be about a month before I can grab her AND I NEED TO BRAIN STORM NAMES AAAAAAAAAH.  

I spent the rest of my day watching season 2 of RuPaul All Stars and BITCH it was good. I was about to throw down if Alaska didn't win... but Alyssa for sure should have been in the top 3... GIRL! Also Katya... GOD DAMN.

I'm fucking knackered, so I'm going to watch ASMR videos and pass the fuck out. GONNA TRY TO WORK OUT TOMORROW BECAUSE I FEEL MOTIVATED BUT ATE TOO MUCH TONIGHT SO I COULDN'T DO IT. I got this delish sorbet and the whole pint was only 320 calories and I've never been so delighted in my life so today was a good day. 

I think I'm going to make an actual list of my goals tomorrow and work on smashing them out!

Byyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 

New Beginnings (x3)

5/8/2017 

2:00 am 

Restarting for the 3rd fucking time this year. I'm so tired of moving my shit back and forth, I don't even have an attachment to most of it at this point. EXCEPT FOR MY PINK COUCH. Long live the pink couch. Okay, so I'm like moving into my grandparents house again, this is my cycle. I live here for a few months, or even a few years, move out on my own, and then have a complete meltdown and have to move back in. Except this time I'm totally fucking over my totally nice roommates and I feel like a giganto cunt, but what can you do when your brain is fucked up and is telling you to walk in front of every bus you see? Gotta get all the help you can or you'll end up handcuffed to a holding cell wall after randomly quitting your shitty Starbucks job and threatening to kill yourself... Sorry grandma! 

Anyways, I'm fucking nuts. This week my mom told me she sides with my abuser (also her abuser... Psychology is fun!) and so I grabbed a baseball bat and told her to get out of mi casa. Moms will break your heart. C'est la vie!  

Last week I fell madly in love on a first date with a boy who took me to a record store, taught me how to play pinball, licked my asshole, and made me avocado toast (That shit is gross btw). The boy licked my asshole and then told me he wanted to just be friends (aka never speak again). Straight boys don't make sense AND THEY NEVER WILL. Apparently he has swamp ass so spread the news! Also, why are feminist men the fucking worst? Like cool, you're feminist, that is LITERALLY like scraping the barrel of what I look for in a guy. LIKE YOU DON'T DESERVE A MEDAL FOR THINKING I DESERVE HUMAN RIGHTS, what else do you have to offer? But at the same time... what do I have to offer? Depression and a whole lot of jealousy (I swear I'm working on it but it's haaaaaaaard). Also I finally have my appetite back after 2 weeks of being sick, I've eaten a whole bag of beef jerky today. Also (pt 2) I'm sick again so what is life? 

I need to get a new fucking cat. My cat has been held hostage by my mother, but she seems happy (the cat) and she has a friend so I'm not sure if it's a good idea to uproot her from her home. She is safe and comfy and last time I tried to take her home she was not having any of zat, so maybe it's time to let her go??? Also a new kitty?????????????????? Yes. I'll have to start brainstorming names for her... or him.... HER. Something drag queenie?????? Something weird? YASSSSSSSSSSSSSS. 

Okay I have to wake up in 5 hours and do adult stuff with granny so I'll talk to ya'll tomorrow. OKURRR? (Insert tongue pop here). 

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 

Personal Tarot Card Reading

Tarot Card Reading 04/18/2017

Card 1:  How you feel about yourself »

The Hermit

You may be feeling lonely at this time or going through a period of introspection. If you are struggling to find answers to your questions give it time, they will come. This is a time for prudence and patience.

If you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.

Accuracy: 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕

Card 2:  What you want most right now »

The Hierophant

Right now you want to have someone around you that you can trust and confide in, knowing that they won't let you down.

There are moral issues here, knowing right from wrong, and you may feel that you need some advice or wise counsel from a teacher, priest, parent or someone you have a lot of respect for, in order to help you make the right decision.

Accuracy: 🌕🌕🌕🌕

Card 3:   Your fears »

The Emperor

You are sensing that success is just around the corner but it feels elusive, just out of reach. You may be concerned that the support and help you want from your father, husband/partner or another man of significance in your life won't materialize.

Trust and ask for the help you need, and success will be yours.

Accuracy: 🌕🌕🌕🌕

Card 4:   What is going for you »

The Moon

Despite the fear and bewilderment you feel, and the seeming difficulty of the path you have chosen, keep going - all will eventually turn out fine.

The Moon is a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair; it also shows us how to be open to new and unexpected possibilities.

Accuracy: 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕

Card 5:   What is going against you »

The Tower

However hard you try to control events they just won't go your way.

Unexpected challenges, upheaval and disappointment will bring expectations to an end.

Subconsciously you may have wanted a solution - you just didn't expect it to happen this way.

Use this period of change as an opportunity for a new beginning.

If you have been planning to move home you will be experiencing setbacks.

Accuracy: 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕

Card 6:  The likely outcome »

The High Priestess

Your intuitive powers are at their height at this moment in time; only by listening carefully and trusting them completely can you embrace that power.

Do this and you will make strong, clear, self-assured decisions.

Allow for flexibility and expect promising outcomes.

Accuracy: 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕

Notes: I just lost a job, and then had to quit another job because of my anxiety. I've been feeling incredibly lost and somewhat empty lately. I have been feeling as if I have no one to trust or confide in, and I'm not sure where this road is leading me! I always feel as though the next big step of my journey is just around the corner, but it never seems as if it's going to arrive for me. It seems that I've been having every set back possible, and that the bad times are never going to end, but I know from all of the readings that I've been doing lately that I need to stop believing that bad things will happen and then bad things will not be drawn to me in such a way. I did an animal tarot reading and it honestly left me in tears. I'll be posting that reading on here soon. I'm trying to follow my intuition, work towards what I need to do, look for signs everywhere I can, and just enjoy my time here. 

P.S. The kitty cat tarot deck is located here!